ToTH Speaks.

3:56pm: Okay, here's the new future plan.
I fly back to Michigan tomorrow (Thanksgiving day). I'll be in town Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Tuesday morning, I'm getting into the car and driving back to Maine. I hope to be able to make trips back out to visit, but assume that I'm here more or less for the duration.

If you want to get a chance to chat with me face to face before I go, feel free to post here, or email, or call. Actually, it just occurred to me that maybe I'll do a "see me before I go" dinner, say, Sunday evening. If so, I'll post details here.

I'm going to miss you folks all, a lot. This is *not* permanent. I love my mother, and I'm going to learn a lot by going back to my old home town, but, barring a true miracle, this place is very, very unlikely to reclaim me permanently.

Please, please, please, *do* stay in touch.

4:28pm: Hospice, or treatment?
During yesterday's doctor visit, we found out that the prior doctor had given us information that was not entirely accurate.

The prior doctor, a very convincing older gentleman, confirmed that my mother had cancer with metastases, informed us that his mother had had the same thing, told her there that chemotherapy and radiation were not effective treatments for this, and that she should focus down and prepare to die with grace.

She took him at his word. So, when her primary care doctor gave her the information yesterday that there are forms of chemotherapy used for this cancer that, while they won't cure it, might well buy her another few additional months of life, she felt quite whipsawed.

Right now, she's in a place of trying to decide what she wants out of her remaining time, and which pathway will be most effective in helping her get that.

Chemotherapy increases her chances of surviving 12 months from 4% to 18%. Improvement in median length of survival compared to non-treatment, if I read the research correctly? About a month.

What side effects will the chemotherapy entail? Very hard to tell, though the most common chemo for this lists side effects as "common".

*headshake* I can make a good argument in either direction. But it's not my decision to make, nor am I going to argue for either side. But the not knowing what support to bring to the table? Hard.

2:06pm: File under You Never Know.
Anyone looking to sell a used XBox 360, let me know.

If any of you are looking at upgrading your game system this holiday season, and would like to sell your old XBox 360, this may help me stay sane. Turns out with that and a headset, I can, for example, sorta kinda watch movies with other friends if they also log in via their XBox. Or, I can collaboratively game via the 'net (distributed Rock Band, anyone?).

Honestly, I don't know how effective it would be in helping keep me from isolating, and that's part of the reason I'm a little reluctant to pay new prices for the system. However: It's social. Pathetic and sad, but social. And I may need all the help I can get.

1:45pm: Somewhat reassuring, actually.
Okay, I suspected the dizziness problem was probably related to my mother's failure to remember to eat.

However, it appears that not only is the dizziness resolving, a good portion of the new pain is also going away.

Okay, if this trend continues, I'll still come back, and probably pretty quickly, but it should settle out the NowNowNow aspect that's been in place since yesterday.

11:09am: Unsurprising, I suppose.
Y'know, it was so much easier watching someone who isn't one of "mine" dealing with the side effects of cancer. What a shock. ;>

10:30am: Technical help: cellphone antenna
I'm at the very edge of my cellphone range out here, and if I'm going to stay sane, I need to be able to call people up without huge amounts of dropped calls and "what was that?".

Anyone know enough about this to know what (relatively cheap) solutions there might be available?

5:00pm: Well, f^*().
Okay, mum's not been doing as well today as she was Friday and Saturday. She's feeling worse, with more dizziness.

Now, on the other hand, she's only had about 400 calories today; her stomach's not taking a whole lot in the way of oral intake. But based on Friday and Saturday, I was feeling comparatively positive.

We *must* get a way to get more calories into her. And if the pain is ramping up, we need both the current pain med, and possibly the next step up, for when she needs it for breakthrough pain.

She's been doing better in the mornings. I think we're going to camp on her primary care doctor's doorstep tomorrow morning, 16:45 appointment slot be damned.

4:36pm: How am I doing?
I'm not actually sure. On me, that's often not a very good sign.

So, fine people. Distract me. Remind me that there are other things in the world than this current piece of drama.

5:32pm: K, this I thought needed to be shared.
Adorable kittens with bonus dissonance. (:

10:13am: Mom update: It was not a false alarm.
We saw the GI specialist this morning. Per the doctor, my mother's CT is classic for pancreatic cancer, it's spread, and it is beyond the point where surgery would be useful. Unless she spontaneously remits, she's got six months or less. Remission is very, very (very, very) unlikely.

I'm coming home long enough to tie down my loose ends, and then will be driving out to Maine to stay for the duration, however long that is. I will probably need help with some things; as I figure out what they are, I will let put out the call.

We just got back from the doctor visit. I haven't had my meltdown yet; I'm waiting until we get a few phone calls taken care of. Then I'm going out to stock the house with things I need to be based out of here, and will probably take some time to spazz out then.

I promise, I will take care of me. However, any and all good thoughts and good energy are more than welcome.

6:33pm: Safely landed at Chez Mum in Maine.
Just wanted to let people know that I made it here in one piece.

12:06pm: Control's a delusion, sadly.
I am getting very solid reminders in just how little there is in a world that any person can truly claim to control.

But, you know? I may not control the forces of randomness. And I may not control other people. And I don't, even, entirely control me (or I wouldn't be down an organ due to cancer). But I do mostly control my choices, and one of the things I'm working to choose is to be fully emotionally and personally present in those times and places I find myself. Even when it's awkward, or makes me sad, or is so amazingly good it almost hurts.

I may be blown and battered right now, but I am choosing not to lie down and wait for the storm to pass. I will, however, attempt to admire the beauty of the lightning while neither being the tallest thing around, nor standing underneath the thing most likely to be lightning struck. Near to, maybe. But not under.

10:39pm: Social time, and information gathering.
I'm headed back to Maine for a week. I fly out ungodly early tomorrow morning (Thursday), and I'm sure the TSA will be fascinated by my "48 hours before the flight" ticket buying. I'll be flying back Thanksgiving Day.

As for what's going on, there is no more news to tell, yet. The follow up testing hasn't happened, so we don't know any more than we did this time last week. And it wouldn't really be mine to tell, anyway, unless my mom gives me the go ahead to speak out things freely.

However, me, I get to talk about. How am I doing? I'm holding together okay, but the strain is pretty obvious to me. The chosen kin have been really stepping up to the plate, which is wonderful. The mix of practical and emotional support has been heartwarming, and reassuring in a very emotionally difficult time. To those of you who I've not drawn on yet, well, give it time. I'm going try to spread the support load out as things go on, so I don't burn anyone out.

As for unexpected sources of emotional support, delightfully enough, the person I'd started dating when all this began to come down around my ears is a stunningly supportive sweetheart of a man. So he's been doing first-tier support-and-distraction, and doing it very well. If I refer to Michael or New Michael here in the future, that would be him.

I'm hoping Verizon's network will extend to the bit of rural Maine where I live. If not, I'll be borrowing internet from my mom. Either way, I hope to still stay in touch during this week.

Just as a reminder, if you can, remember to tell the people you care for that you love them. On which note, you folks of my greater community are a joy and a delight to me, and I'm sorry I've been more absent than present for the last several years. Not that I'll likely be able to fix that right off, but still, just sayin'. (:

7:21pm: All bets are off.
I just found out 10 minutes ago, my mom has pancreatic cancer. Consider this an official announcement: Any plan I make with anyone for the next six months may be changed with little or no warning, depending on how the wiinds of this disease blow for her, and for me.

5:28am: Date #4: Um. Well. (:
Okay, any date where, after they throw you out of the restaurant, you stand around in the parking lot talking and snuggling for three hours afterwards is, more often than not, a good date.

When it also involves significant discussions of the nature of metaphysical energy within the universe, the power of spoke intention, and a free discussion of one's wisdom score as relating to each of our respective relationship failure modes, well, the man's definitely Gotten My Attention.

Next date will be this Tuesday, dinner before, and then going to Tios.  He's pretty much fen who hadn't found fandom, so I'm pretty sure he'll do well, but seeing how he handles members of fandom is pretty important to me, so it's a natural next venue.

8:31am: Amazingly good third date.
We're now 1 for 3 in movie watching attempts, but the theatre being closed meant we sat and talked for three and a half hours instead.  So, for me, a net win, definitely.  (:

First round of kissing also shows promise.  (:

2:48pm: Sat vigil for Samhain
For those of you not familiar, Samhain is the name of an old Gaelic holiday which happens around this time of year, and has a lot of roots and traditions tangled up with Halloween.

Some people believe that some of the barriers to spiritual and metaphysical insight are thinner around this holiday, which is probably where some of Halloween's spooky side came from.  It's also got a bit of a day of the dead feel to it - looking at things which have come to close in the prior year, ranging from lives to old-outworn habits.

I did a five hour vigil last night, and am really pleased I did it.  Five hours of very real thought about my patterns and my life, what's changed, what could, what shouldn't, and what's not ready to.  Even some work with some of my older, formerly unquiet ghosts, because some changes don't happen in a year.

My altar this morning, with the symbols still on it, looks somewhere between prosaic and amusing, but symbols can be like that.  Some tiake on additional meaning that travels with them.  Some go back to being the things they were before.

Excluding the altar cloth and the elemental anchors, the contents are:  one stuffed bear, in uniform; one cracked Tios cup; two medallions, one with Quinn's name on it, one with Bunker's; one Italian charm bracelet; one tube of lip stuff, with associated gloss; one spinning ring that I use for meditation; and one pair of reading glasses.

It's actually be a remarkably busy year for seeing change in patterns that I've been hoping to shift.  Several of those symbols are not pathways markers for wished-for change; they're symbols of change made manifest, and that pleases me a lot.

5:35am: Phone's gone on walkabout.
Should be getting a replacement in the next day or two.  However, the phone numbers are with the old (missing) phone.  If you'd like me to have your phone number, please feel free to reply to this (comments are screened), or email me independently.

It also feels like the social epicenter mojo is coming back online, gods be praised.  Should be posting about two (semi)regular events I want to launch soon.

9:24pm: Date #2: Also went well.
At his suggestion, we built an event around karaoke.  He's a Rock Band lead singer regular, and likes to occasionally take it out in public.  Not professional voice-trained quality, but pretty reasonably good.  My karaokage was pretty pathetic, but my voice is totally out of training, and I was so nervous my hands were shaking, so.

Dinner before was good, and sometime near the end of the evening, he managed to finesse things so my natural inclination to snuggle kicked in.  Man's got a really comfortable shoulder.

Still trying to keep the pacing slower than my normal, so we did *not* snog in the parking lot before parting ways.  But there was a fair bit of mutual inclination in that direction, and, while nervous, I'm quite looking forward to how that will likely go, next date.

However, I *must* remember, this is not my normal dating pattern.  This man hasn't known me for months-to-years.  And the blind dating is making me quite uncharacteristically shy.  So he really has very little idea who I am, and what I'm like.  What if things keep going really well, and then he gets a good look at what I'm like, and doesn't like me any more?

*nnng*  I wish I hadn't fished out the "available friends" dating pool.  This is good, but still, nerve-wracking.

8:35pm: Making life stable: crossing the 50% mark
So, in order to finance nursing school, a friend of mine (thank you again) provided collateral and I took out a huge personal loan.  Once I graduated and was gainfully employed, that loan was refinances as an unsecured loan with a 36 month term.

October was month 18.  So, from here on in, I'm more than halfway through the first, somewhat choice-limiting leg of my personal financial impeccability restructuring plan.

The 50% milestone just really made me smile, when I realized it.

9:14pm: Relationship musing.
Been doing some additional poking around in my psyche.  Am seriously looking at the possibility that the reason why I didn't feel like I was getting my needs met in my many, rather good, prior relationships is because I wasn't being honest with myself about what some of the needs were.  I'd seen the edges of them, and hoped they were, well, optional extras.  I'm beginning to seriously question that hope.

Sorry about the +3 in cryptic, I'm feeling a little vulnerable about some of what I'm finding at the moment.  Like I really needed to become an even more quirky relationship fit...

*shrug*  We'll see if the feeling grows, or fades.

6:12pm: Blind date report.
Okay, the OKCupid heuristic seems to have done relatively well by me this time.  I was really concerned that dating total a total stranger from completely outside my tribe(s) was doomed to be a disaster, and I was wrong.

He and I grabbed dinner, chatted for a while, went to the theatre and saw _Surrogates_, and then went out for some really good chocolate cake.

He was comfortable to be around, easy to talk to, and a long-time RP gamer.  No huge, conflagration-level sparks right off the bat, but enough ping, combined with enough fun being had, to certainly make planning another date a good idea.

We'll see how things go.  I've got a few different possibilities with people building energy right now, so I'm just going to let this one find its own pace and level.  So, all of you who have counseled me that my "scream and leap" dating style is a little much to inflict on a non-friend, I have so far failed to scream *or* leap in much of any way whatsoever.  (:

5:37pm: Sunday at 10 p.m.: Karaoke!
I'm getting lured out to karaoke in Ypsilanti this Sunday at 10 p.m., and karaoke is more fun with more people.  Anyone else want to come with?

1:50am: And the crowd goes wild!
I had a biopsy last week, and it is officially....negative!  (:

Not been happier to fail a test in a long, long time.

8:18pm: Let's try this again.
Blind date #2, second attempt, same person, is a go for tomorrow.

Wish me luck.  (: