February 14th, 2005

How will I know...

...when I've changed enough to qualify as another person entirely?

I'm now intermittently silent, sullen, and socially avoidant. I'm losing articulateness, cognitive function, and emotional balance. If I'm not smart, verbose, controlled, warm, and friendly, what the hell is there left of *me*?

FWIW, this is probably the spawn of my general anxiety and my more than moderately hosed endocrine system. And possibly anesthetic aftereffects. I currently am focusing on the (very high likelihood) hope that this is a temporary state, whose duration is likely to be measured in only weeks.

In practical news, in 12 days I go off the Cytomel. In 19 days they draw blood to see if my thyroid levels are low enough for them to do the scan. Assuming that answer is yes, I have my scan and RAI treatment in days 22-24. After that, they put me on a longer-term thyroid medication, and tinker with the dose until they get it right. With luck, I could be pulling out of this in, oh, about six weeks or so.

I am not, repeat *not*, looking for advice. I am probably also unable to accept "yeah, I know where you're coming from" type commiseration from anyone but another thyroid cancer survivor with anything approximating grace. I guess I just wanted to let people know that, if you run across me and I'm acting anything from quiet to actively hostile, it *isn't about you*, and *please don't take it personally*.

Redirecting energies. (:

Well, my inner social butterfly may be lightly thwarted, but that doesn't mean I can't use this energy for something.

Today's accomplishments so far include getting emu oil for scar rehab and skin care, topping off the oil and changing the air filter on my car, and a few patches of small but visually significant housecleaning.

Rewarding myself with some pointless video, but will spend at least a part of the viewing time on the treadmill.