July 27th, 2005

Okay, something is pushing buttons.

I'm pretty sure it is all psychologically related to Dawn's miscarriage, though the reasons are not currently clear to me.

I'm having old emotional tapes about being worthless as a human being, and being powerless to change it. It's even crossed over into the physical realm - I've been clumsy as hell today, which I had fairly well beaten after three to six months of the martial arts training with Aegis. Since I have the option of not being clumsy, I have to ask: what's different today, or lately? The only major thing that's been going on lately is the miscarriage.

I suppose it may be a simple reaction to a big, bad awful thing, happening to someone I care about, that I can't in any way control, but irrationally believe I should. I'm still convincing my inner child that the world isn't fair, and that she isn't the reason why bad things happen to people she cares about. My rational mind is blinking in confusion that this hasn't been put to rest yet, but Emotional IssuesTM are like kudzu - really, really hard to eradicate.

Anyway, time to go convince my limbic system that I didn't somehow cause Dawn's miscarriage by repeatedly exposing her to the malevolent rays of my inner badness. ;->