November 1st, 2005

Update, and interesting realization.

First of all, I got my quiz results from this morning, and I got 9 out of 10 on the quiz in family and child ecology. This supports my "lack of preparedness is best" hypothesis.

Second, I had an epiphany so real I've got a minor case of the shakes. The reason why historically, I've either done friendship, or sex, but not the nuanced emotional dance of romance, is because the my cluelessness about it gives romance a gut-clenching uncertainty that fills me with actual, visceral terror. As noted in a previous set of comments:

Unfortunately, this thread has helped me get in touch with one of the big reasons I developed the history I have: I honestly don't know where to begin in establishing a romantic-style emotional connection. I'm solidly good at friends. And once skin gets involved, I'm good at that. But that whole terrifying, mystifying area in between, filled with emotional and sexual tension, with all the nebulous and ever-changing boundaries and expectations? When I get there, I either panic and leap forward into the familiarity of flesh, or panic and leap backward into the comfort of pure friendship.L

Um. Just to be clear. I'm really. Really. Really. Upset by this.

Someday soon, I will feel a victory from seeing and naming the lie I've been telling myself. Right now, I'm just going to work at not crying.